Okay, I think sometime ago (about a month ago) I posted that British and I simply weren’t communicating effectively. I remember saying that for whatever reason she can’t seem to understand where i’m coming from when I explain anything to her about any concerns or feelings i may have about something. I know right,…a guy admitting that he has emotions…well…I think that probably makes me pretty “Manly”. Guys have emotions and need to be acknowledged and validated as well. Trust me. It’s a huge mistake for women to think that because he’s a man that he doesn’t need his emotions addressed or that he doesn’t need to be understood. Men know how to be tough but we often just don’t know how to verbally express ourselves. It’s crucial that a woman creates a “safe environment” for him to openly and comfortably discuss what he may be feeling about a situation or a moment.
In my case, I found myself trying to explain to British why certain things were bothering me and why I felt like she wasn’t “actively” listening to me. Although she felt that she was, she wasn’t really…not by a long shot!. Every time I would share that action “X” bothered me and I tried to explain why, her response would be more like telling me what I did or didn’t do or what I should’ve done. Then my reaction (from frustration of not being acknowledged) would come across as upset. The reason being is because what had started out as “MY” concern would quickly get twisted around only to make it about my reaction towards her about how I was feeling in the first place. Now it becomes “Her” concern.
Are you still following me here?
Often times when couples or friends, peers argue it’s simply because someone is not being heard. I can assure you almost 99.9% of the time NO ONE will be heard until the person with the initial concern gets acknowledged and validated. The person coming to the table has the ball and gets the floor. The person that doesn’t have the ball must listen and not make it all about them otherwise, ALL Hell will break loose!
Fortunately, this wasn’t the case with here (it never is). After I took a step back mentally and painted an example for her to demonstrate a time when she has felt like she hasn’t been heard in the past, she was able to instantly understand my position and she really listened to me and then, we were able to effectively understand each other. When it was all said and done…I felt really good about the growth that we had experienced in that instant.
Remember, it is a marriage, a relationship, a commitment and it requires effort. I don’t really subscribe to the philosophy that a marriage is “Work”. If it’s really “Work”- like a 2nd job- then I totally believe the individuals involved need to really re-assess their values and where they stand to determine where they want go from there.
Later in the evening we went to dinner and had a great time with friends.
Shelby 
